I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
