When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
