I think my vagina is haunted
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
