Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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