I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize