After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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