i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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