Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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