the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
did i walk over a car last night?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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