I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
