Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
