I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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