i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
