Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
if only i could text you this smell
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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