it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
