I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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