Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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