you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
