Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
