you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
