im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
