I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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