i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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