I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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