Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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