Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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