So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
