that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
