i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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