I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
