fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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