I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
