omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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