Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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