You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
