The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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