No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
