I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
