I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
