I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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