Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
