I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
