my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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