some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
