Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
