Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
