Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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