i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
