Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
