she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
