We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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