ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
