I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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