EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
