Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dignity is for republicans.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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