Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I need a beard to bite.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
