Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
