This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
