Plan B is the new Plan A
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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