My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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