I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
