in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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