My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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