woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
